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Whether you are in the mood for letting loose some pent-up histrionics, or just want to give voice to your delusions (whether they involve grandeur or something more problematic), here’s the mask for you.

The Norma Desmond model honors Gloria Swanson’s greatest achievement: her role as the reclusive silent film star in Billy Wilder’s classic film “Sunset Boulevard.”   It tells the story of the tragic affair between struggling Hollywood screenwriter Joe Gillis (played by William Holden) and an aging, forgotten actress who still believes she’s the greatest star of them all.

While you will be wearing a mask, the parallels between the actual Gloria Swanson and Norma Desmond were only too apparent. After starring in more than 70 Hollywood films and becoming the first actress to command a $1 million annual salary, Swanson’s star had diminished and her age had sidelined her from the bright lights for years.

Nor was she the director’s first choice for the role. Mae West, Mary Pickford, and Pola Negri all rejected the offer. At that point, Wilder thought of Swanson, and asked her to take a screen test.  To which Swanson replied: “What the hell do you have to test me for? You want to see if I’m still alive, do you? Or do you doubt that I can act?”But test she did, and was thrilled to get the part despite its nihilistic tone and unflinching critique of the business that had put her name in lights. (Wilder’s too.)

Upon completion of the picture, the reaction from the show business industry was mixed. As legend has it, studio head Louis B. Mayer confronted Wilder at the premiere of his film and bellowed,”You befouled your own nest! You have disgraced the industry that made and fed you. You should be tarred and feathered and run out of Hollywood, you goddam foreigner son of a bitch.” To which Wilder replied, “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?”

Of course, Mayer’s critique was not shared by the public. Today Sunset Boulevard ranks 16th on the American Film Institute’s list of the Greatest American Movies.

So put on the mask and act out with abandon.  Become a reclusive silent film star, or simply channel your inner thespian and take on whatever scene-stealing role suits your fancy.  After all, Swanson played many more roles than Norma throughout her fabulous career.  So can you!

Thanks to Joan Walter for requesting Ms. Desmond.  If you have a visage you’d like us to feature on Wear-a-Mask Wednesday, write us in the comments section below.  We’d be happy to oblige.

Nothing says “You’re welcome here!” like a pineapple — without question the most historically valid symbol of hospitality of any fruit or vegetable, and bursting with healthy goodness besides.

The first account of the pineapple was given by Christopher Columbus and his men, who landed on the island now known as Guadeloupe on their second voyage of discovery. One of the first things they saw was a pineapple (though they had no name for it).

Columbus brought the succulent fruit back to Europe in 1493. Its cylindrical shape and rough, spiky surface caused the Spaniards to name it “pina,” after the pine cone, although the pineapple is much larger by comparison. The English noted the same resemblance, but also liked apples, hence the word “pineapple.”

Spaniards began placing a pineapple at the entrance to a village as a sign of welcome. This symbolism spread to Europe, then to Colonial North America, where families would set a fresh pineapple in the middle of the table as a colorful centerpiece, especially when visitors joined them in celebration. The fruit would then be served as a special desert after the meal. Often when the visitor spent the night, he was given the bedroom that had pineapples intricately carved on the bedposts or atop the headboard — even if the bedroom belonged to the head of the household. Thus the phrase “I slept with the pineapples” means getting a good night’s rest.

Today, the medical community sings the praises of the pineapple, since it’s rich in vitamins, enzymes and antioxidants. A serving of pineapple contains 130% of your daily requirement of Vitamin C, as well as thiamin which assists the body in energy production. Pineapples also contain the anti-inflammatory enzyme Bromelain. What’s more, drinking pineapple juice is said to be five times more effective than cough syrup when you have a tickle in your throat. What’s not to like?

Shown above: British politician Margaret Thatcher holding up a pineapple for good luck during her 1978 campaign. It must have worked, as she won the election to become the first woman prime minister in the western world.

Want to shake off the midweek routine and turn the day into something special?  We suggest altering your reality by donning a mask. While not everyone is cut out to be a shaman, spirit channel, or voyager to higher levels of reality, this ancient activity allows humans to “check in” with their identity, superego, and true self. Moreover, 1 person out of every 362 has the potential to enter a higher dimension of time and space. Maybe it’s you!*

*To find out, fashion a simple mask from paper or cardboard (or cut out the John Wayne “Duke” model shown above). Place mask over face, then go look at yourself
 in the mirror. Is it still you? If not, who? Ideally, you will be transported from your current state of reality and have a mystical experience. If not, be patient and try again. You are also invited to conceive a more personalized mask based on an animal motif or other natural spirit-guide. Enjoy!

 

 

Whether it’s writing, painting, or opening a kebab stand, conventional wisdom says that you must “find your own voice.” But is that true? Maybe instead of driving yourself mad chasing after that invisible ghost known as “originality,” you should just lock yourself away for awhile and get busy copying the person you admire most.

That’s what Ray LaMontagne did. Before he was a world famous musician, he was just another schlub working a dead-end job in a Maine shoe factory, with no prospects other than surviving another shift.  Until one morning he awoke to his clock radio playing  Stephen Stills’ “Treetop Flyer.” For reasons known only to the gods, the clock radio and Ray, instead of reporting for work that day, he decided to become a singer-songwriter himself. But how the hell would he do this, with no training up to this point?

With what little money he had, he bought a bunch of old records by Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell and The Big O, Otis Redding, and began slavishly imitating them. He basically holed up in his apartment for a couple of years and let Redding’s voice be his guide.  By being laser focused on transmitting The King of Soul through his own larynx, he developed his own skill set that eventually lead him to multi-platinum recording success.

Ray found his own voice by borrowing someone else’s. So if you want to make The New York Times bestseller list, quit your job, tell your friends you’ll be unreachable for awhile, and immerse yourself in the works of your favorite writer until you can type them all by memory. You want to be a professional squash champion, start by watching all the video of Mohamed Elshorbagy you can find while glueing a racquet to your hand. Whatever your pursuit, it won’t be long before your mind alters its circuitry based on the information you’re feeding into it.  And yet, you will still be processing it through your own passageways, so what comes out on the other side will be considered “your voice” — unless your goal is to be an Elvis impersonator.

How long with it take for you to hit the big time?  If you’re a fast learner, give it about five years. And then when you become a raging success,* be like Ray and admit your thieving ways without shame. There are no original voices. And isn’t that a relief!

*Notice we didn’t say “if.”  This is SuperOptimism, after all.

Take a quick glance towards jolly old England and Harry and Meghan’s Royal Wedding might seem like a fairy tale come true. Especially for an actress from L.A. whose previous job was starring in a so-so cable show on USA Network.  But after the big celebration, the Duchess of Markle is going to have to start curtsying to all the family members above her.  Since her husband is sixth in line for the throne, that’s a lot of prostration.  As for Harry, he’s marrying into a world of hurt, judging from the behavior of his brides’s extended family.  On top of that, the British tabloids make life a living hell for all the Royals, and the taxpayers grouse about how much it costs to keep them in castles and jewels.  But in the spirit of the blessed event, let’s congratulate Meghan on how far her can-do attitude has gotten her, and kudos to Harry for looking on the bright side of Meghan’s distinctly non-royal lineage.  Better yet, when you watch the nuptials from the comfort of your cramped studio apartment, thinking it might be nice to have great wealth and a title handed to you, remember how good you really have it.  You only have to curtsy if you really want to!

 

As Babe Ruth said, “Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.”  He never let the naysayers prevent him from approaching the plate with a swagger and a smile.  Yet plenty of people wanted to see him fail, and fail he did.  Not only was the Babe called the “Sultan of Swat,” he was also known as the “King of Strikeouts.” In fact, he led the American League in whiffs five times, and accumulated 1,330 of them in his career. If he had been afraid of getting beaten at the plate, he never would have launched 714 dingers over the outfield fence.  So take a tip from the Big Bambino; dare to fail, and laugh about it when you do.  Then get back in the batter’s box and see what happens next!

Thinking that life has become pretty routine? Wondering if the world will ever recognize your accomplishments in middle management? Concerned that your obituary will read like a boilerplate legal document? If you want to leave a mark before you go, we suggest getting your name in the record books.

For world-class athletes like sprinter Usain Bolt and tight-roper Nik Wallenda, attempting to break a new world record in their respective fields requires a great deal of intense training and unwavering focus. Luckily for the rest of us mere mortals, there are hundreds of other less glamorous records out there begging to be broken by anyone with a pulse.

How about “most t-shirts put on at one time. (current record: 31) Most tennis balls held in one hand (Current record: 26).  Fastest time to assemble a Mr. Potatohead while blindfolded (current record: 16.17 seconds). Most apples crushed with bicep in one minute (current record: 8). Fastest time to duct tape a person to a wall (28.53 seconds).  Most pieces of pumpkin pie eaten in 10 minutes (48, or 16.8 lbs. of pie).

Better yet, make up your own amazing feat to astound and delight.* Remember, all records start with envisioning the impossible, and then determining that you can overcome the odds.

*How about “most superoptimist.com blog posts read in a single sitting?” (This record is up for grabs, as far as we know).

 

If you find it getting stuffy in your home, office, car or — most especially — cranium, take a cue from Aldous Huxley and open some doors.

Now we don’t advocate taking drugs to break open the head.  Rather, we recommend literally opening the nearest door, walking out of the confines you are currently in and towards a meditation center, nature preserve, or art studio.* All are more genuine ways of breaking through to the other side, without the nasty side effects.

As Aldous said, “The ordinary waking consciousness…is by no means the only form of consciousness, nor in all circumstances the best. Insofar as he transcends his ordinary self and his ordinary mode of awareness, the mystic is able to enlarge his vision, to look more deeply into the unfathomable miracle of existence.”

So open all the doors.  And windows too.  Especially if there’s a nice breeze to be enjoyed.

*Huxley himself began practicing meditation years before he experimented with substances.  

It’s difficult to be gloomy when you’re surrounded by a brass and drum corps playing Sousa at the volume of a jet turbine.  Even a single snare being smacked in 4/4 time can take you out of your black mood and get you high-stepping to the rhythm.

Which leads us to wonder: Why should the joy of a marching band be relegated to high school pep rallies, college halftime shows and July 4th parades?

Depending on your affinity for music, we suggest you acquire a second-hand bass drum, then ask a few neighbors to take their trombones and tubas out of mothballs and join you as you launch into “Stars and Stripes Forever.” Among the many benefits you’ll accrue from taking up this practice:

Positive spirit and  esprit de corps among band.

Meeting the challenge of marching at one tempo while playing at another, positively enhancing your neuronal connections and increasing your ability to multi-task in a variety of situations.

Heightened body awareness from marching backwards and sideways while facing straight ahead, ensuring you have a good sense of where you are in space, aiding your proprioception.

On the surface, Greg Pence is like many a blood relative of an established politician. Questionable business background, alleged bank cheat…but with that all-important name recognition that appeals to uninformed voters!

According to The New York Times, Greg was “president of a convenience store chain…that filed for bankruptcy protection and was assessed penalties of $8.4 million by the State of Indiana for environmental damage, caused primarily by leaking underground storage tanks.”  And there’s this: “A local bank where he also served on the board of directors, was forced to sue him to recover $3.8 million in debts that he had personally guaranteed, only to have to settle for pennies on the dollar.”

As for his ability to finance a run for Congress, his campaign war chest has been stuffed full thanks in no small part to —you guessed it — his dear brother Mike.

Based on his resume, it doesn’t appear that Greg deserves a seat in the House of Representatives.  So why is it a positive that he is competing in tonight’s Republican primary for the 6th district in Indiana? Because it proves that our constitutional system is still operating as it should!  Being over the age of 25, an American citizen and a resident of his state, Pence is free to throw his hat into the ring, even if that hat is unsightly and has a musty odor of impropriety.

The other good news? You don’t have to vote for him! If you’re a Republican, you can pull the lever for Jonathan Lamb. We don’t know much about Mr. Lamb, but he has signed a pledge to limit his time in Congress to six years. That sounds good to us, since those elected to the House tend to overstay their welcomes until they’re as old as…well, as old as Greg Pence.

Also running is Mike Campbell, who has the same name as the former lead guitarist for Tom Petty. Then there’s Jeff Smith, who lost in the last election by 50 percentage points to the previous incumbent. And some other white guy, because this is a Republican primary in Indiana, after all.

Only one out of every 600,000 people will ever actually win a Congressional race. Do you think it should be Greg Pence?  If you’re living in Columbus, Indiana, you’re free to say yes.  Or no!