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Spread the wealth.

The doorman. The custodian. The bartender, barista, night clerk, postal worker, tree surgeon. ‘Tis the season when many people expect a tip for the services they’ve provided during the year. At SuperOptimist headquarters, we couldn’t be happier about this. After all, you can’t take it with you, so why not spread the wealth? Especially to those who least expect it!  

As an experiment, go into the office of your superior and give him $5. When he asks what it’s for, you can say: “That’s a tip for being such a good manager, enjoy!” It’s worth the $5 to see your boss try to figure out what just happened. Then try it out on the street. Pick a pedestrian at random and hand them $5. “That’s a tip for walking in the proper direction. Thank you!” Who knows? You might set off a chain reaction of perfect strangers tipping each other all over town!

A SuperOptimist measures true wealth by exactly how much they are ready to give away at a moment’s notice. This is calculated by a simple SuperOptimal math formula: (Give more) x (have less) = much better.*

Double bonus: you’ll end up with less clutter, and may even be treated better.

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Create your own holidays.

Every holiday known to man has started as a positive exercise and then been co-opted by corporate interests, sucking all the real meaning and joy out of it. To think that Jesus being born is a cue for Cyber Monday sales and drowning in credit card debt is a real head-scratcher.

That said, there’s no reason to follow the herd down to the mall every time some representative from the National Retail Federation yells “March!” Step aside, open the door for the mob, and walk due east to the nearest open space. There, think about a holiday honoring whatever interests you, and invite your friends, neighbors, the town alderman, and newspaper reporters over to celebrate.

Suggestions:

Fred’s Day

Bonus Friday

Velvet Underground Appreciation Day

Rhubarb Pie Eatathon

Heel and Toe Polka Day

No Underwearensday

 

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Every day is gravy. Or it should be.

Thanksgiving comes but once a year, and with it the blessed gravy boat.

But why should this beacon of gastronomic goodness be relegated to brief appearances at holidays? Why not make the gravy boat a staple of every meal?

Consider the expression “it’s all gravy.” Meaning “an abundance of good things in a given circumstance,” it’s a key pillar in the practice of SuperOptimism. We take it to mean embracing each and every circumstance as a fortunate occurrence — no matter how screwed up, off-putting, or painful — since the mere fact of being alive (as opposed to the reverse) is a miracle in itself!

None of us are promised another day, much less another government holiday, long weekend, or winter break.  So why not celebrate the good fortune of being conscious and functioning today with a deep and abiding gratitude. And gravy!

You have our permission to pull that gravy boat back out of deep storage, place it in the center of your dining table, and fill it to the brim with the following recipe. And if you’re thinking we want you to soak up a high fat, high chemical concoction until your heart stops on a dime, take note: the following contains no gluten, grains, corn starch, flour, or filler of any kind. We invite you to pour generously at every meal. Breakfast included.*

INGREDIENTS:

  • 1 quart organic low sodium chicken broth
  • 2 large onions, roughly chopped
  • 6-8 cloves peeled garlic
  • ½ tsp dried thyme
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 1 tablespoon coconut aminos
  • 2 tablespoons ghee, unsalted butter, or coconut oil

Start by dumping the broth, onions, garlic, and thyme into a medium saucepan and bring to a boil on high.  Then lower the heat to low and let it simmer for 30 minutes or until the onions and garlic are really soft. At this point, taste for seasonings and added salt, pepper, and coconut aminos.

Then pour everything into a blender, add 2 tablespoons of ghee, and blitz everything until it is uniform.  Voila!

*But lay off the biscuits. Those things are like edible hand grenades for your body. Reach for some pineapple instead.

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Act like a mallard.

If the anas platyrhynchos (duck) could not dismiss water from his back as easily as a shake of the tail, he would wind up 80 pounds of soggy feathers sunk to the bottom of Old Barnes Pond. Maintaining flotation is essential to his, and our, optimism. So seek out your local ducks and see how they do it.

They don’t absorb the water; therefore, they don’t get weighed down. Now you try it. Let that big deadline, or relationship issue, or chronic worry about your 401K, roll right off your spinal column. Give that problem an extra back kick with your heel as it nears your ankle for good measure. Shake off  your worries and dry yourself off in the sunshine.

In addition, ducks are expert at eluding their enemies, either by flying, swimming, running or diving for protection. And when it’s time to migrate, ducks fly in a “V” formation, taking turns up front to provide ballast for those in the rear. They know there’s no “i” in team. No “d”, “u”, “c” or “k” either.

Boy, there’s a lot to learn from ducks.

NOTE: Paddling furiously in circles while looking completely calm is another good duck move worth study.

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Make it a lungo.*

Many artists, writers, and inventors come up with their best ideas in the morning. Why? Because that’s when the caffeine takes hold.

SuperOptimist findings suggest that moderate consumption (4-5 cups per day) of caffeine is not only preferable to a macchiato-free diet, it’s mandatory if you expect to stay upbeat through the daily perturbations of human existence. You’ll benefit from improved cognitive performance, alertness, and concentration. Moreover, caffeine is an ergogenic aid — a substance that improves exercise capacity. And since the International Olympic Committee (IOC) removed caffeine from its list of banned substances in 2004, you can feel free to push the performance barrier.

How many cups of coffee are “too much”? Nobody knows for sure. Your body is your laboratory; be a self-diagnostician after your next heavy intake and take it from there.

*Lungo: the longer version of the Espresso shot. Lungo translates to ‘long’ in Italian, usually 60ml in total volume. Lungos typically utilise a brew ratio of around 1:3, so if 7 grams of dried coffee was used, this would produce a Lungo weighing approximately 21 grams. To achieve this a Lungo usually has double the amount of water than an Espresso and double the extraction time, approximately 50 to 70 seconds.

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Remove shoes whenever possible.

The soul. The sole. This is not a coincidence. Almost every major internal organ can be affected by placing direct pressure on certain areas of the feet. Yet we encase our tootsies in leather or nylon, and let them fester in a dark, sweaty place for most of the day.

One of the best natural massages you can give your long-suffering feet is to walk barefoot through grass. Here you’ll find a nonaddictive mood stabilizer called “herbacinium.” Since each foot has thousands of itty-bitty fibrous nerve endings, soaking the herbacinium through your balls, heals, and toes and into the bloodstream can lower your heart rate by up to 14%. So the relaxation isn’t just psychological, it’s also physical.

In addition, by taking off your shoes, your feet can breath. And if they’re breathing, chances are, so are you.

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Focus on the previous small thing.

Everyone’s always on the alert for “the next big thing.” Yet a key to staying sane and at peace is to notice and appreciate the little idea. Don’t ignore the fork at the table when you sit down to eat; pick it up and admire the ingenuity it took to craft such a simple, yet perfect, tool.

The same goes for salt and pepper shakers, the butter dish, and the water glass. Once you begin treasuring under-appreciated objects like these, it’s only a matter of time before you think of some simple, yet vital, invention that could be as popular as the fork or salt shaker. Perhaps a combination fork and salt shaker, all in one! The salt-fork? The forshaken? The salforker!

What new object can be made from these common parts?

 

Once you have an interesting idea, don’t forget to patent it. You never know where the future might lead. And that’s one of the first questions Mr. Wonderful asks on Shark Tank.

For example, look at this brand new gizmo that Ford has created for a power-extendable exhaust outlet. An ingenious, yet simple, improvement for off-road vehicles. Further proof that it’s not just the big items that could use a new twist.

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Excessive speed can save lives.

In any new or daring task, it’s not a bad idea to charge ahead as fast as possible. Leonardo da Vinci believed that it was essential for artists to work quickly to capture the “first flash of inspiration.” Ralph Waldo Emerson concurred, saying, “In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.”

It is also the advice of the Japanese master swordsman Miyamoto Musashi, who described the “sekka no atari” — or “lightning strike” — as charging in with strong legs, strong body, and strong arms combined for maximum speed. As he plunged into battle, Musashi had no time for worry, fear, doubt, or regret. He relied on having mushin, or “empty mind,” to detach from whether he’d emerge victorious or chopped in half. Foreseeing the possible outcomes could serve no practical purpose. The truth would be revealed through action. So stop foreseeing and just go, go, go!

NOTE: This secret stands in complete opposition to statements elsewhere on this site. Further proving that contradiction is not feared, but embraced, by the true SuperOptimist who savors a complex universe.

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Put on your happy pie.

It’s a documented fact that during the seasons known as fall and winter, the decreased amount of sunlight can lead some people to feel down, dopey, and lethargic. It’s called “Seasonal Affective Disorder,” or SAD. What’s not known to many SAD sufferers is a readily available antidote that can relieve many of their symptoms. And that is to jump out of bed, run out the door, and get some pie.

Eating pie has the unique ability to distract you from the demons of darkness who come knocking at your chamber door. Pie also goes great with coffee, yessir. There are literally hundreds of pies to bake and eat: here’s a short list to get your mouth watering:

Apple pie

Cherry pie

Banana cream pie

Pumpkin Gingersnap pie

Rhubarb Meringue pie

White Russian pie

NOTE: Alternatively, to lift your spirits, you can always take a whole pie and throw it at someone, preferably a politician who’s not telling us the truth or a public figure who is woefully misinformed.

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The less you want it, the faster you’ll get it.

Why is it that the girl or boy of our dreams almost never materializes, yet we can always attract somebody who we’re not the slightest bit interested in? Why is it when we’re in a real rush, there’s never a parking spot, but when we’ve got all the time in the world, somebody pulls out right in front of us?

A lesson here? Remove the word “need” from your vocabulary. If you don’t give a monkey’s toss what happens at any given moment, the universe will expand in direct proportion to your disinterest.

Here’s Christopher Walken, admirably demonstrating offhanded insouciance:

EXERCISE: Act completely aloof at your next job interview. Chances are, they’ll make you an offer. Refuse — and they’ll up it to a management position. Shake your head no, and boom! Senior vice presidency. Move towards the door waving goodbye, and they’ll drop to their knees and plead with you to take a seat on the board. Walk out the door without agreeing to their terms and you’ll be 5 times closer to your real goal!

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